Laguna Beach, what happen?

Dear MTV,

I hate you. You get me addicted to watching an assortment of spoiled rich kids frolic, gossip, backstab, cheat, and otherwise meander through life, all while muttering the words “drama,” "dunzo," and “random” under the California sun.

You left me mystified by—yet hooked on watching—the Laguna style of going on a date, which amounts to little more than talking on one’s cell phone while your date pretends not to notice, sipping your water through a black straw, then suddenly saying, ‘’want to leave?’’ MTV, you had me wondering who in the world always goes to a restaurant, café, coffee shop, or friend’s kitchen to talk about the days’ events, yet I loved every time the kids got together to talk about the day’s events.

I was engrossed in spring breaks in Cabo, ski trips to wherever the hell the kids went, proms with overpriced giant-hole-over-the-midriff dresses , girls wearing jean skirts to special events, and model queens who moved to Laguna just to be on the show. Why, I even cared about the sidekicks; you know, like Alex H. or "Stephen's friend" Dieter.

I loved how your camaras were quickly on someone as they got a phone call. You wanted me to think that the cameraman was filming Lo as she sunbathed, and luckily caught the moment that LC called about the par-tay. Please, I know you filmed that scene 5 times, but I didn't care. And speaking of parties, I always laughed a little when the kids would take drinks from red dixie cups...what, did you really want me to think they were drinking water? Yeah, Alex M. and Jessica had thier blow-out verbal tougne-lashing fight because they were drunk off of the H2O.

And despite knowing all of it's faults, despite knowing that I really shouldn’t care about this mind-numbing drivel you created, dammit, I did care. And I really have no idea why I cared. I guess you just have that magic MTV.

But after you get me hooked, you give me the sugar-laced crack otherwise known as season 3. Season 3 is horrid; it’s the same formula, only with a pinch of pure torture. The girls are just plain mean, plus being over-mascaraed and over-taned. Plus, the guys are clueless and the boring protagonist has a voice that makes my eardrums bleed. And I want to smack the kids' parents for naming thier offspring "Kyndra", "Cami", and "Raquel".

The addiction may be over. Why did you do this? You're pure evil, MTV; evil.

With much hatred,

Warren not “G”


(oh, and readers, if you even think of chastising me for posting about “Laguna Beach,” save it; I’m quite aware of my dork status.)