Nevermind, I don't want my MTV

Normally, when I work out in the morning, I’m by myself in the apartment complex’s gym, so I get to put the TV on whatever I want; and I want my ESPN. Why? Well, because it's a good partner in my pursuit of buff-ness, it increases the general testosterone level in the place, and because Sportscenter is awesome.

Yet, tragedy struck yesterday morning when I walked into the gym to find that some other guy already had the TV on MTV.

Now, usually, it’s safe to assume that any member of the male species would never object to watching Sportscenter; but since he didn’t indicate if it was ok to change the channel, I didn’t bring the issue up. I just got on the elliptical machine (or the “EFX” as us Furman kids called it), turned on my MP3 player, and, um, "ellipticaled."

Please note that besides a spattering of semi, quasi, sneakily-edited, “reality” shows, I have no reason to watch MTV. Well, boy did I get a glimpse into what the ‘M’ in MTV is like these days…TRL was on, and HOORAY, it was “Spankin’ Free Music Week”!

Oh, sorry, that “hooray” was supposed to read “yawn.” I mean, we still pay the cable bill that gives us MTV, so when is the music ever “free"?

Anyway, seeing as the TV is right in front of the elliptical machine, I was pretty much forced to watch MTV for 30 minutes (luckily, my MP3 player meant I didn't have to listen). So, seeing as it's been a while since I've seen TRL, here’s what I noticed:

1. John Norris believes if he's botoxed and mystic-tanned enough, we'll forget he's 80. Seriously, this man is still working for MTV News? I’m pretty sure he was there when I was in middle school. Since then, MTV personalities like Bill Bellamy, Tabitha Soren, Kennedy, Carson Daly, Ananda Lewis, Alison Stewart, Chris Connelly, and Matt Pinfield, have come and gone.

Oh John Norris, you’re so sad. And what’s sadder is that I can safely assume that Kurt Loder is still with the network. Guys; leave; no one thinks of MTV as being a worthwhile news source. And if you are going to stay, try not to pretend that you’re still young and hip. Really now, even Anderson Cooper let the grey grow out.

2. It seems that being on a quasi-reality show qualifies Stephen from Laguna Beach to be a VJ. I beg to differ; all he’s qualified to do is smoke pot, say “that’s weak,” and…hmm, yeah, that’s about it.

3. There are more skanky-dressed girls singing really bad music than ever before. From Danity Kane to Rihanna, I’m not impressed. And, I mean, "Cassie," who the hell is that?

Where's Jill Scott? Where's Sheryl Crow? Hell, I'd even settle for Toni Braxton right about now.

4. Sean Combs still thinks he's cool.

5. The Game seems to think that if he throws around the "West Side" hand symbol, and walks around an LA neighborhood shirt-less and tattoo-ed up, we will think he's Tupac.

6. Nelly Furtado's songs are now a study in the art of dissonance. Why must the verse’s melody be so utterly incongruent with the chorus’ melody? Plus, the beat does a periodic yet sudden 180 degree turn, making the songs impossible to dance to. Even Justin Timberlake's Sexyback engages in this musical mystery. I just don’t get it, but I blame Justin's and Nelly's musical producer, Timbaland (you know he hasn't been the same since baby girl died).

7. TRL is still incapable, or unwilling, to show a music video in its entirety. Idiots. (But at least they got rid of interrupting the videos with the classic, "This is Joe from Atlanta, and I want to say hi to my dog Buster. Oh, and I really like Ashanti, WOOOOOOOOOO!!")

Now, don’t even get me starting on VH1; do they even know what a music video is anymore? Well, at least Best Week Ever is funny.